A Trace of Rancor
I hate myself a little bit today.
Tired of the disastrous state of the kitchen, I washed a bunch of my roommate’s dishes. The thing is, I’m not mad at him for not washing them, I’m mad at myself for choosing to do it and still somehow feeling bitter about it. I’m pretty sure that makes me an idiot.
But, I’m an idiot with a slightly cleaner kitchen.
P.S. Does anyone mind short blog posts? I wonder if I’d write more often if I didn’t worry so much about getting to +150 words…
37, Or 38 If You Include This
In 2010, I only added 37 blog posts to this site. Well, 38 posts after this one.
Is that really all I have to share? No, it’s not. Is that all I’m comfortable sharing, with quite a few people I know in real-life viewing my photos and reading what I write? Perhaps.
I would like this to change. I would like to be a little more open, more candid. It’s tricky though, standing on this stage and speaking to people who know me in different ways – Daughter, Wife, Friend, Coworker, etc. It’s kind of scary.
Here’s to a more frank and undisguised me in 2011.
Where Am I Headed?
Let’s start off by establishing that I don’t have a great track record when it comes to determining a goal and following through on that goal. Actually, that’s not true, it’s just that many of the goals I have been determined enough to achieve were not terribly important. Making the college dance team, while fun, did not improve the quality of my life in a lasting way.
One of the things I feel I got right was being hired for my current job. It took a couple of tries, but eventually they caved in and let me have a go at it. *grin* We’ll see on Friday at my annual review if they think I’m doing a good job, heh. Anyway, that accomplishment WILL impact my future job prospects, hopefully for the better.
So, what’s next? You can probably tell from a few of my more recent posts that my self concept is not wrapped up with a tidy bow. I need growth and change. The main part that has me stuck right now is, what do I have the power to change on my own, and what requires a joint effort with my husband? For me, this question shows the most difficult part of being married – I’ve agreed to go on a life journey WITH another person, which is an absolute joy, but it also means I can’t be the sole decision maker or pace driver for action. It means I need to ask ‘Where are WE headed?’ instead, and waiting for the answer is terribly frustrating for a girl like me.
The Long Trend
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about trends. It’s partly because I’m in an economics class, sure, but it applies to so many things. Eating poorly for one day does not make you unhealthy. Likewise, eating all your fruits and veggies for one day doesn’t make you healthy. The same type of thing holds true for finances. And for relationships. And for personal hygiene and general cleanliness. And for smartness, compassion, open-mindedness, and intelligence. Who I am tomorrow is highly dependent on my long term trends, on how I do things +80% of the time.
Yesterday I posted the following on Facebook:
Does the thing you want today move you closer to, or farther from, the life you want tomorrow?
‘The thing’ I want today does not have to be a material object. It could simply be that I want to sit on my couch, watch TV, and relax, or spend all my extra money on entertainment and restaurant food. There’s nothing wrong with either of those things, but when they become a trend I have to ask myself if I like the direction I’m headed. So, it would be good for me to ask myself the question more frequently. I certainly have a few trends that could use improvement or fine tuning.
The One Where I Complain a Little…
Sometimes I don’t like being ‘sorta’ geeky. Not because I think it’s bad to be a geek – on the contrary! Geeks are wonderful! But, when you’re only ‘sorta’ anything, you don’t quite fit in on either side… a little too geeky to be normal, a bit too normal to be geeky. It results in a lot of awkwardness.
I had the pleasure of going out to an Irish pub after the SCA meeting on Wednesday. It probably wasn’t obvious to the people around me, but I had a blast listening to the stories and watching the interactions. It really made me wish I had the time, energy, and resources to be more than just ‘sorta’ geeky though. I’d probably also need to do something about my inability to quote Movies and TV shows. I’ve never had a great memory for such things, and that’s a pretty serious deficiency in some geek circles.
Also, I’m pretty good at having experiences, but I’m not very good at talking about them afterwards. I’m sure that has given many people the impression that I’m terribly boring. But, if I don’t know you well, I usually can’t find the right words. I guess I keep this a little too close to my heart: “It’s better to be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.”
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